Discussions that mention vicodin

Addiction & Recovery board

I am new here, but have visited several times in hope of gaining a little strength.

I overcame a cocaine addiction about 10 years ago in college. That was the last and most extreme of countless addictions since the time I was about 13. I don't drink, I didn't use drugs for years, I was feeling very in control. About four years ago, I was prescribed Vicodin for a recurrent pilonidal cyst. I needed surgery, but wanted to wait until after my wedding. It's now been four long years and I know I am an addict.

I can go for stretches without anything, but I always manage to find a way to have it (or some other prescription pain medication) back in my life. What's crazy to me is that it's so easy to not drink or do other drugs because I can't stand the feeling of being out of control anymore. AND YET I have absolutely no control over myself when it comes to this.

About three years ago, I started having headaches. The second neurologist categorized them as "atypical cluster headaches", which I feel like means, "I don't know". I have probably tried 25-30 different medications, some with moderate success, but eventually everything stops working. I've been to two neurologists, an allergist, two GPs, and a chiropractor. What is so frustrating is that I get really vigilant and swear off pain meds for weeks or months, but I always manage to get back to where I am today - dependent. I am not (and never have been) a binge user. I guess I sort of treat them like antibiotics - take as directed until the bottle is empty.

I hate this. I feel so ashamed. I hate feeling like something is controlling my life. We had a little boy about a year ago and I keep thinking about how fiercely protective I am of him, about how 99% of my life is spent being a good example to him. (Although at times, this addiction feels like it defines me 100%.) I am disgusted with myself that I can't let this go. I read posts here about people in the grips of such knee-buckling dependency and I am so moved and inspired by their ability to overcome and move toward recovery. I feel embarrassed that I take so little and still manage to fall over and over and over again.

I have been honest with my husband about my problem. I am trying to get two clean days under my belt before he goes back to work on Monday (I am staying at home with my son until he goes to pre-school in a couple years). I am excited and scared and nervous and ecstatic and sad ... and a million other emotions. My last pill was at about 8 o'clock last night. I know that I'm the only one who can make this happen, but if it were that easy, just not taking that pill (or whatever), most of us wouldn't be here. I am so afraid I'll get weak here in a few hours, when my head starts pounding and I feel like being sick. I NEED to do this. The God's honest truth is that I don't WANT to do it all the time. I don't want to be in pain. But I know that I don't have any control and that the only way to regain that is to be done.

I'm brand new here, and I know there are rules, so I'm not sure what you're allowed to say or not say. My husband used to ... smoke, let's say, from time to time. (He makes video games for a living, so I think they sort of go hand-in-hand. Ha!) I was so vehement that that couldn't be in his life anymore once our son was born. I feel so much self-awareness about my ridiculously addiction-prone personality. (And the dominant side of my family is all the same way, in one way or another. Eating [disguised as "gourmet"], drinking [passed off as an appreciation for wine or expensive tequilas], etc. But everyone is so successful and has never managed to let anything interfere with their lives to the extent that they had to admit they are all addicts. Every. Last. One of them.) How can I be so firm about my husband's habits and be such a hypocrite about my own? It's wrong of me.

Ugh. I realize this is probably way too long, and in a way, I don't even know that it matters if anyone reads it. I feel better having "purged", if you will. I needed some accountability, even if it's just out there in cyberspace. I needed to share the burden a little bit.

So thank you.

Holly (5 hours into her first clean day)