Discussions that mention xanax

Hi all,

First, thank you all for taking time away from your own addictions, struggles, recoveries, and the day-to-day activities of what we call our lives to write your thoughts, support and encouragement for me to do what I know I have to do, but can't figure out how to do it. Your compliments alone make me "high!" :)

I tend to think that the poster who said they were curious about my leaning towards the meth is because of the potential high...you're absolutely right, that's very much a part of it. Does that mean I'm not ready yet, though? That I really can't say...I'll say I'm "on the fence," and like Humpty Dumpty I will fall off one side or the other, but whatever I do, be it sub, meth, more failing attempts at tapering and c/t, that will be my first decision. If I keep on keeping on with the script I got today, and forego following through with any type of plan to stop, then I suppose that, too, is a decision...and obviously the wrong one, but a decision nonetheless, and maybe if that happens, I will be saying to myself that I'm not ready...the quandry is, I think I am ready. I am sooooo in debt, and I am so tired of trying to keep up with the facade of my "life," and although it's been 23-some years since I've been without a drug in my body, I am so very curious what life without drugs is like.

Michelle, you are in a funk right now, I know, and you haven't posted lately, but I so hope you will give me your input on the sub...didn't you have some side affects that bothered you while on it? Also, weren't your doctors telling you that you had to be off the Xanax before you could do the sub? I'm sorry if I've mixed that up with someone else...Murphy perhaps? I am wondering how you are doing as July 12th draws closer, and I hope you are out there still reading because I don't know if you know how much you really did for me that first night I posted...you literally kept me here this much longer, and I need you to know that. I was holding 210 pills in my hand and a bottle of vodka in the other and typing to you when my hands were free at the same time.

I've neglected to put much emphasis on the benzo I've been on for 15 years. I take 45 mgs. a day of Tranxene for my Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and anxiousness, and I've tried to quit it many times, and I make it to day 5 or so, and then, oh boy...it's like every electrical switch has been turned on and every circuit in my body is being short circuited. I'm sure many of you know what I mean. The amt. of Tranxene I take is probably equivalent to taking 20 mgs. of Valium, but it's been a part of my life, too, and I don't know if I can be on it while on either the Meth or the Sub, so please anyone with the experience of opiate and benzo addiction, your input would be so appreciated. The cost of it is $120/mth. and my dr. said I will need to be on it for life. I would like to prove him wrong

Truth be told time...I did get my 120 Norcos today and have 113 left since the 9 hours they've been in my hands. I am only being honest when I say I know I will be taking them over the weekend and before I go talk to the clinic director. And if I were going to a meeting, I'd time it just right so that warm, fuzzy feeling would be hitting just about when I stand up to say whatever it is one says there, and I'm sure I'd think I was witty and charming--yet any addict would see through me instantly. Maybe that's why I think I can get away with all this until recently...non-addicts think I'm fine, and an addict would know in a heartbeat that nobody feels that perky after only 2 meals and 3 hours of sleep in two or three days. Here I am with "a jury of my peers," and that is why I spill so much because I know you know, but this jury hasn't handed me down any sentence, and you've been wonderful to me...

Sarandipity, I look at you through the eyes of Diego at his tiny bird Frida, and in your words I see you and feel your sincerity, and as the depth of a love isn't fully known until the moment of parting...I will not separate from this place.

Love you guys,

DallasAlice

p.s. Rockingham...if you see this, you said on my first post here that if I had any questions on methadone, which you thought I'd be a perfect candidate for, you'd be willing to answer whatever questions I have--well I certainly have questions now, and would love to hear from you.

DA,

Thats all I ask of you at this moment is "do not part from here."You have always been brutally honest and youv'e gainned my respect from that. I am going to help you! Over tapping on this silly keyboard, I AM GOING TO HELP YOU!

What is going through your head right now? What kind of pain are you feeling in your brain? Is is fear? Are you scared of actually being happy? Are you scared that if you stop covering the scars from the past that you might actually have to re-live the abuse you took as a teenager?

Stop thinking about that! Think about when you laughed with your friend when you were sober. Think about those moments in which you felt God working in your life... a dog that got missed by inches because someone cared enough to slam on their brakes. A moment where a guy held your hand and had no alterior motives- but just wanted to let you know they were there for you. Right now... just think about moments in your life that made you laugh.

Save all the other yucky stuff when you can see a counselor or a close friend who will listen to you and you can unload on and cry with.

I am not going to let you get this far away from the light. Ive told you how wonderful you are and you need to listen! Fine- take your Narco this weekend, but have a game plan. Stay on this board. Talk about your fears and don't supress them with drugs.

It's so obvious that you are a beautiful person with a huge heart. Im sure someone will respond to your thread and let you know about mixing benzo, sub, and xanax. Where the heck is Murphy?

I have your pain in my hands right know, and Im crushing it all up and not only am I throwing it away, I threw your pain up to heaven and God is going to take it away.

I was laying on frozen veggies for two days for my back, Ive taken Ambien two nights in a row now. I am doing what I have to do but Im not shutting anyone on this board out, and Im going to an NA meeting tomorrow with "this is you brain on drugs" I don't care! Im just reaching out for help and what I cherish in myself and I want to desparately see in you is an OPEN MIND.

Simple.

With tons of love and sincerity, (If I could spell Id be so cool!) But you know what Im saying!

Oh DallasAlice...I'm already seeing the similarities in us. I don't know a damn thing about methadone vs. sub, etc...'cause I've never gone that through that. BUT...as far as benzo's...I've been on them off and on since having my first child 8 yrs. ago. I've been on xanax (evil, evil stuff as far as I'm concerned), librium, valium, and now klonopin. I literally can't funtion without it (unless I'm pregnant, and then I'm not on anything.....mental, ya think?!). I've always been able to wean successfully off of the benzo's..even when I was taking 3 mgs. or more of klonopin or xanax. At this point, I'm not even concerned with my usage of the klonopin...I do not abuse it, but I need it to function (I have major panic attacks...and as you know....night terrors, insomnia, etc). My biggest concern has always been the drugs that I ABUSE....being the Norco's. I too would receive 120 of them...but they would barely last a week. Yes, I'm off of them now, and yes...I went cold turkey. It was a horrible experience, but I had to do it...the pills were controlling my life. Being a religious person...it's a sin to have anything control my "being" other that God, Jesus, and/or the Holy Spirit (I know, you probably don't want to hear about the religious stuff from me~ LOL!). I will say though...I did go to rehab once for the xanax....it was after my first divorce and I would take 4, 5, 6 of 'em at night and down 'em with a 6 pack of beer. After 4 months of living like that, I checked myself into rehab. Withdrawing from benzo is HELL, much worse than opiates by any means. I guess I learned my lesson, because to live...I still have to take them. I NEVER abuse them...in fact, I take less than prescribed. Mostly because I'm so scared. But once again, even since the "rehab" episode...I've tapered off of them 3 times...because of pregnancies. It wasn't hard at all then. I really don't know what point I'm trying to make here, other than I feel your pain and I so appreciate your honesty. I admire you so much...and you wouldn't be here with us if you didn't have the desire to kick this horrible addiction. I CAN be done...and I know in my heart that YOU CAN DO IT! I'm ALWAYS here for you...and I promise to check in daily....by the way, your childhood/past is SOOO similiar to mine that it's scary. I've been down that road too, hon. I promise, we can talk more later...maybe it will help us both.

DallasAlice,

I have been sitting in front of my computer trying to decide if I should even try to advise right now- being that I am NOT "out of the woods" just yet and still having a pretty rough time. But, you asked and I'll share my experiences with the subutex. Yes, I was on the it but no, I did not take it exactly as I was supposed to. I stopped the subutex and went on "hydro binges" three different times in the seven or eight months I was prescribed the sub. With that being said, my "condition" right now may be not be an accurate one, but again, will share what I am going through.

The addictionologist that prescribed the subutex to me did tell me that it was "illegal" to take the Xanax (which I was prescribed several, several months prior to seeing this doctor) while taking the sub- I still do not know if that is correct being there are people on this board who take the sub and a benzo??? I wasn't too worried about it though, because I rarely took my Xanax and felt like it wouldn't be a problem. After my refills expired, I called the doctor and asked to set up an appointment (although had seen him once throughout this and talked to him on the phone three or four times) so that I could discuss switching to the suboxone after it was suggested by some here since I still had cravings on the subutex (there is a difference between the two). His first initial question was, "Have you taken any Xanax?" knowing that I had stopped it for the most part (and had been drug tested by him), I told him once maybe every week or so when my "nerves" were really doing a number on me and he basically said I had to "join his program" for him to see me and discuss further options (which meant he wanted more $$$$$ out of me- in my opinion). I said I couldn't do that being that "his program" was four nights of week from 6:00-10:00 pm- the whole point of me going on the sub was to be at home for my family! It rubbed me the wrong way and I have never heard from him since (which appalls my current addictionologist).

Fast forward a few days and I sought help from the addictionologist I am seeing now as I was back to trying to wean myself off with Lortabs because I went into severe withdrawals from the sub. The addictionologist I see now said he will not prescribe the subutex/suboxene because from what he has seen and studied, it does more harm in the long run UNLESS one plans on staying on this for lifetime maintenance (so, AM NOT KNOCKING those who take it- if it saves there life- GREAT- seriously!)! My point was, I didn't want to be on it for lifetime- I am only 30 and wanted to be completely clean! If I had known how hard it was going to be to get off the sub, I wouldn't have gone that route, but that is beside the point now.

I had physical withdrawals for about two weeks- not as intense as hydro withdrawals- but just lingering (shakes, sweats, upset tummy, no appetite, and insomnia). But, I also felt "hopeful" and "happy." Now, after the physical withdrawals began to subside, the depression and lethargy slowly crept up on me and each day it is a HUGE battle for me- still! Granted, within all of this, I found out about this "health situation" which is probably contributing to my "worries" and depression, but the problems were starting before my bad news (which I go to the doctor for this Wednesday).

I know that I have been quiet lately, but I am just not real good right now and would hate to be "gloomy" for those who are doing well and would hate to give anyone "bad advice." Which I may be doing now- forgive me if I am! I just don't want you or anyone to think I am not thinking of all of you- I just am struggling right now- that's all!

I think though, the sub may be the route for you to take being that you have had a drug issue for so long. It may be ideal for you. I have always been "leary" of methadone- don't know why??? I would go the sub route before the methadone- that's just me though. This may be something you have to take for lifetime or atleast take it a couple of years and allow yourself to "break the habit" mentally of taking pills everyday- ya know? That's a big part of it- the mental games!

I am proud of you, Dallas! You are making such good progess and it makes my heart happy. Bear with me though for the next few days- I may be just quiet or not having the "right words" to say- don't know if I even did tonight but I think you have and will continue to get lots of great advice from others. Just keep moving forward and realize how many steps you have taken in the right direction so far! You are doing exactly what you need to be doing right now- exploring your options and getting advice and talking
with doctors- great!!! :)

Hope you sleep well tonight and I thank God you are doing so well!
Michelle