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Depression board


The following is the steps that I have taken to get "healthy" again
- Asked for help to find a therapist through CHMA on Monday
- Sent an application/referral in to the local Mood and Anxiety group today
- Underwent a volunteer hospilization for a major med change recently... mind you the fact I was off the scale on a risk factor basis sped up my admission from a month to two hours
- Spent two months in the hospital the first time which accomplished nothing but put me on a med program which damn near destroyed my body - Effexor, Wellbutrin, Lithium, Remeron, Trazadone, Zyprexa all on a daily basis by the end I had gained over sixty pounds and could barely get down the stairs because of muscles flying any which way they choose - weight was Zyprexa fault - bad body mechanics was Lithiums doing
- Following a strict MAOI diet
- Lost over sixty pounds
- Wrote out my life history and gave it to my pdoc - not complete details but lets say he now understands a whole lot more - oh I paid for this with some of the most brutal nightmare/flashback for what seemed day on end and I basicly wrote out a suicide note gave it to a nurse then decided I was too angry to follow through so I destroyed my body instead
- Seeked out advice on this sites and similar ones
- Undergone ECT for a total of six sessions - no longer an option
- Been on damn near every med in the book - Effexor, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Remeron, Temazapam, Seroquel, Klonapin, Ativan, Lithium, Trazadone, Xanax, Nardil, Celexa and many more in the last two years
- Tried out three plus therapists who never made it past the third sessions...apparently I am overwhelming, difficult, prone to self harm, unstable and far from being a "simple" client so they gave up
- Stuck out with every side effect in the book to make sure the med had the proper chance to work...except for Paxil which sent me right to the psych ward in under a week
- Done all of the research and came up with the "perfect" treatment plan for myself its just to bad the Canadian Mental Health System is too tied up to help me implement it even though my doctor completly agrees its the only course of action I may have left as I am almost "untreatable"

Doctors and other so called professionals keep saying I am responsible for my own well being but I have done everything they have told me to do yet not a whole lot has changed in two years. What is there left to do? All the medical community sees are the list of diagnoses: severe MDD, PTSD, BPD, GAD and the scars that cover my body they forgot underneath that garbage there is a real person here

I swear the only reason I get up, besides the obvious which is my son, is to come to sites like this and attempt to help others how to find their way even though I am so completely lost in my own world. Keep believing maybe if I assist enough people it will finaly be my turn to go down the path to stability.

Maybe it time to switch the plan from getting healthy and stable to how to survive long term in this hell I call life. I am running out of options here.

I meant this post to be positive based but it took a funny turn along the way. Here are some positives I am stronger then ever, refuse to quit and still very much capable of helping others just apparently not myself.

Meds just kicked in and the room is starting to spin

take care