This is simular to me but not over such a long time. I'm almost 21 and i started smoking in 7th grade and then i started drinking alot starting 10th grade and from 10th grade on i was doing everything i could to get high or drunk. by the time i hit college it just all went down hill i could bearly remember sober moments. Then after a few hundred dollar bet with a friend to stay sober i found my self just freaking out all of the time. Eventually half way though the semester I ended up having panic attacks that prevented me from even getting out of my bed, i just dropped off the face of the earth. I wouldn't go to school i wouldn't go to work. Eventually i got ahold of pot and started smoking again and I started chilling out a little more but i was still a total wreck. I was in this blur of life for two years. Little was I realizing was the most stressful two years of my life. After having to meet with what felt like a million different counclers, therapists and doctors and answering hundreds of questions things started to get clear that it wasn't just an addition that was my problem. I had been dealing with undiagnosed aniexty issues along with being extreamly depressed and coping with being bipolar. i grew up with a family who just believed you needed to buck up and that we were just making up our problems in our head. It's been really hard to stop drinking, i still wake up with the desire to drink but out of the last six weeks i've drank once. But smoking is definately harder. mornings are the worst i wake up and i know i don't feel right i feel the panic coming on but i'm weening off and life is feeling better, i still have to have xanax and my other meds but i'm losing the freshmen 15 fast, riding my bike farther, staying awake through the whole day, eating better. it took a good two months drug free to open up new doors that i was locking up with drugs and booze. Granted the doors i discovered were not great doors to open but they needed to be open to get cleaned out and fixed up with therapy and medicines to live a happier and healthier life. basically what i wanted to say is you most likely have been "self medicating" yourself with out even realizing you were, and now you're cleaning up and things that you've been dealing with for a long time are starting to show up and need more help then some booze or getting stoned to the bone. You can do it! it's hard but it's worth it. get a bike and ride that sucker, you'll feel great and you'll realize youre painfully out of shape but then when you get off your bike you want to do it more because you just feel so great from excercise and going down that hill faster then you ever did when you were a kid( the cheezey natural high). I wish you only the best of luck, i know it's hard to give up and you'll miss the crazy ideas and conversations you come up with but you can still be just as creative and more with a clear head.