Discussions that mention zoloft

Depression board


As the subject title says, "New here..." Then, I guess it would be more than appropriate to say, "Hi, I'm new here...". So hello, folks. I'm new here. I guess my main reason that I'm here is that all my life I've been subjected to feeling constant sadness and experiencing extreme nervousness. I don't think I have severe depression. But it is a penetrating sadness and anxiousness that envelope my whole being. I have thought of commiting suicide. But these kind of thoughts are passing thoughts, and I don't think I would actually put them into action. But I've been thinking that I should keep it an option. My guess is that it is attributed ever since one of the kids snitched and told the teacher that I stole two Barbie dolls from a playroom when I was in kindergarten, and I remember huddling in the corner while my parents were happily watching television and I was awaiting the trial of the principal or a teacher and the knowledge that my parents would find out soon. Needless to say, the teacher (principal, it doesn't matter) told them and I felt so ashamed, sick, etc and thus the nervousness started. And then there's also the time when I was about 10 years old when a guy, whom my brother and friend was talking to, absolutely ripped me into shreds when he said, "Oh my god, are you girl? You talk like a girl!!!" after hearing my voice, and my brother and friend just laughed and laughed, and I went home crying. Told my uncle, and he thought it was very amusing. More feelings of being anxious and nervousness and edgy started to pertain, even now. The sadness comes from the fact that because of the debilitating effects of being nervous and edgy and anxious all the time, I miss out on a lot of good stuff and I feel like a social retard when someone comes along and start talking or doing that particular stuff and I just come home and start feeling sorry for myself and really depressed because it would feel like I was a freak for not getting what that someone was talking/doing about. Thus, a cycle.

Needless to say, I've been putting off this seemingly way of living until recently when my long time friends have abandoned me because, according to them, I've become too emotionally unstable. In other words, crazy. And that prompted me to go to a psychiatrist, who I had a major crush on (but it turned sour when he continued to be cold and distant and robotic, but that didn't stop me from feeling rejected on our last day together), and he prescribed me Zoloft (the lowest dose) which robbed me of sleep, but then Clanazapam (sp?) served to counteract the effects, and then he stopped it, and then it was just Zoloft and nothing else and sleepness nights came back (I've been a known insomniac, but being on Zoloft and being sleepless was just beyond bad) and then we mutually agreed that it was for the best that I should stop taking it. So, instead, as an alternative, he referred me to a psychotherapist, whom Ive been seeing every Friday starting last month.

I guess what makes me crazy is that I'm paranoid, and I'm going through a lot of issues, especially sexual issues. I'm gay, or I think I am. Um, I'm pretty sure I'm gay, and I live with my parents and siblings. I don't talk to my parents, nor to my two brothers. Except for my sister but she's been adopted by my old aunt and she lives with her and her husband. And living in a household where communication is severely lacking, suffice to say, is enough to drive one crazy. I know that gay people/lesbians and what not are seeing a wide vista that welcomes them by their heterosexual counterparts, but you see, I don't have any gay friends. Well, I used to, but they were ambigiously so because we were kids, and now, voila, they're flaming homos but I don't talk to them anymore and I don't want to if given the chance because I don't want to humiliate myself for the lack of progression. Anyways, the fact that I don't have any gay friends, I am starting to think that I can never have that welcome and acceptance by today's society, regardless of how it appears, because of the fact that I don't ahave any gay friends. And by not having any gay friends, I am starting to hate myself and the way that I talk, and the way that I movie, etc. Adding to that, lack of communication in a home where there is no familial relationship and support, and the fact that I have to go back for a semester at my previous high school (major slap in the face) because I have to upgrade my average, which was actually good enough to get me accepted at the university of my choice, so that I can apply for scholarships because my parents don't want to pay for my education. Thus, more resentment towards them. As I thought, going to university and perhaps to prove that I can be successful without any help from anyone, but sadly that was not the case. Instead of going forwards, I'm going backwards.

Right now, I'm just in absolute panic and overly anxious, like someone's chasing me (sounds melodramatic but it's true) and life is starting to crumble. I suppose that ever since the abandonment of those so-called friends (they were three girls), I was left like a social retards, and thus I've become even more uncomfortable, awkward and non-sensical in the public (seeing strangers is torture) and going to a school that I have no wish to go to (it takes away your dignity) and being gay (like obvious gay) and hating it. Voila, ingredients for an increasingly nervous kid.


Now, I don't have any friends at all (save for some but they're more like acquaintances) and the genuine friend that I had who stood by me while those three girls left me feeling like a loser, I cut off my life because I invited her to my work's Christmas party gathering, and I didn't talk to her for the first 20 minutes. The fact that I didn't want to speak to her, and respond to her, etc (which all started when I couldn't talk for an hour to my psychotherapist because I just felt totally exposed and angry at him for laughing on the phone with someone else right before I entered the room-I was paranoid, and felt jealous, etc.) meant that I could turn potentially harmful to her, just like I did to those aforementioned friends.

Anyways, more stuff to tell (if I have the energy) but what do you guys think that I should do?!? I need response because right now I'm so self-absorbed, vain, lacking self-confidence, etc. and responses (even if they are generic, predictable responses-just please not sugarcoated, I want honest, raw responses) could really elevate me. I'm being selfish, and I know that, and I apologize greatly but I have to be honest here as I'm completely tired of lying to myself and to other people.

I don't know what the particularity of response that I need but any response would help. Even something that is of a homophobic nature could really generate something. Just, I suppose, enough to make me realize that there are people out there that care, or notice you. I need guidance, or some kind of a support, and I thought I could get that from a psychotherapist (though warm and very nice that he is-his responses are vague or if not, they always go back to me in questions, which makes me hate myself even more because I'm the one who's doing all the talking, etc. Thus, self-absorbed) but he's doing his job as a psychotherapist (asking questions, nodding, smiling; just as bad as not talking at all) and I need someone real. Hence I feel like I need gay friends, or people who are going through the same thing, etc. I don't know. Do you think I should cut off seeing my psychotherapist?

And oh god, I'm very well aware that this is now a long post, and it doesn't even pertain to the severity of most of the problems of the people here. For that I'm sorry. But I just want to let this out.

Take care,
JOhn