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Posted by emaleth on February 13, 2000 at 10:55:48:

In Reply to: Why don't we all sit down and think about the real problems before mentioning food/weight AGAIN! (This is for ALL of you out there & contains my story... read through the rant to get to the story!) posted by Dingo on February 11, 2000 at 10:06:26:

I have to say i totally agree that the true *problem* people with eating disorders have has very little to do with *food* or *weight.* I think it is indeed very important to look at what truly is causing your *need* and *obsession* with food, and your weight. For compulsive eaters what the *source* of pain and stress in your life is that caused you to turn to food for comfort and escape, and *how* you initially learned to turn to food. For people who are annorexic, what the *source* of your lack of positive self image is, what has caused you to become so obsessed with physical appearance, in particular weight. What in your life had lead to you doubting yourself, and again *how* did you equate fixing this problem with loosing weight. These are very tough questions, and ones that often times will take a very long time for some one to figure out how to answer, many of us willl never truly be able to answer them, however if any of you *Truly* want to get better, these are the questions you will start asking yourself.

And on that note... my story.

I started school a year early so i was never with my correct age group in school, and i made no attempt to interact with the people around me, i was very much so centered on learning. I loved to learn... this made me quite the outcast, however i was so wrapped up in my own little world i never noticed it.. until i hit puberty. then i noticed big time. i began to realise that i was not "accepted." About this time i also developed (and still have) bi-polar manic depression. this went undiagnosed for a long time, i thought i was crazy. i thought i was not normal that i would never fit in, nor did i deserve to fit in. i am verging on type 2 diabetic, so my body naturally has an addiction to carbohydrates, up until this point i had done well at not giving in to this... however i became very despairing and would eat to satisfy my body's craving for carb's. this also gave me a false sense of control, which i lacked so much so much so in the rest of my life. when i watned to make myself feel good, i ate. simple. one of the very few pleasures of life that i could control. i gained a little weight but not that much, as this practice was not out of control, but something i resorted to only when i was truly despairing. however, finally my depression was diagnosed... i was treated for it, they experimented with my medicine, none of it seemed to work, but all of the medicines seemed to greatly slow my metabolism. i became more and more despairing as nothing seemed to work. i ended up being hospitalized several times in residential treatment facilities for my depression. one particualr medication i was put on, i literally gained 20 lbs in two weeks, and with in a month i had gained 30 lbs from it., at 5'3" i shot from a kinda chubby 135 to a quite overweight 165 with in a month. i was devistated. My parents were greatly concerned, my mother started trying to get me to loose weight. She was genuinely concerned, but her effots became obsessive on her part. every day i would hear, must you eat that, you shouldnt eat, you dont need three meals a day, why dont you skip breakfast. she becamse as obsessed with my weight as i did, if not more so, it got to the point where i felt guilty and ashamed to eat in front of my mother at all, or in front of any one for that matter.. she seemed to continuously stress the point to me that if i could only loose some wieght i would make more friends, get a boyfriend, etc... that these things were conditional on my weight.... so i stopped eating that much in front of her, and began very much so compulsive eating, sneaking food, hiding it. because in my mind eating was wrong, and could only be done when no one knew i was doing it... this wnet on for the rest of my life.... still goes on. during the next 3 years i gained another 35 lbs. i am now at college, just turned 19 years old. a month and a half ago i weighed 201lbs. last month i put myself on a low carb diet. it worked. i took away more and more carbs til i was basically on a no carb diet. that worked even better. i stopped eating. this worked even better. that sums up the first 2 weeks of my "diet." after that i became paranoid that people were watching me, knowing that i wasnt eating because i was "fat" and disgusting. i thought that the fact that iw as not eeating would draw more attention to the fact that i was so overweight... so.. when i was with people.. i would eat.... and throw it back up as soon as i could get away from them. that portion of my "diet" is what has been going on for the past 3 or 4 weeks.... i was never meant to lose control of this... it was supposed to just be a low carb diet.... but i worked myself back up to compulsive eating, now mixed with bulemia. i dont consider myself bulemic, but that is because i still cant accept that i have lost total control. i would like to think that i can make this stop at any time if i choose to. i dont know if i am bulemic or not. i dont know how to judge that. i dont know how to want to stop i guess is the biggest thing. i know what im doing to myself, and id ont know how to want to stop. i know that what i need to truly be able to stop and truly be able to get healthy is to learn how to love myself, and to learn how to stop beleiving that others won't ever love me because of my weight. but i dont know how to go about doing this.... i feel so lost right now.... well. i guess that is alot to say, and that is more then most of you have shared, thanks for those who took the time to read it...

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