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Re: I'm more than a little confused (longish), super longish response

Re: I'm more than a little confused (longish), super longish response

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Posted by FD on August 26, 2000 at 21:33:05:

In Reply to: I'm more than a little confused (longish) posted by DBC on August 26, 2000 at 18:30:13:

I'm not entirely sure you don't have grounds for divorce, although I'm not a lawyer, nor do I think you should divorce her just because she gave you an STD. Also, that said, men are also carriers of herpes and can carry symptoms for years without having an outbreak. Meaning, basically, that the previous girlfriend could have had it and you could never have had an outbreak....although from your story it seems that it WAS your wife who gave it to you. Just being overly cautious about covering all the bases.

As for your situation now: I contracted herpes from my husband. My best friend contracted herpes from her fiancee. I stayed with my partner, she dumped hers. I think to make it through something like this your relationship has to be relatively strong to begin with, and it sounds like yours was already on shakey ground. In my case, my husband had been carrying it, and he had not been in an active sexual relationship with anyone in a long time...he had NO clue he had it, and it was a rather nasty suprise for both of us. With my friend, her fiancee had been sleeping around quite a bit and knew he had it, and gave it to her anyway...very similar to your situation.

It's a shame, that your wife did not tell you. But in her defense: she may not have understood what she had or that she would have given it to you...most people do not fully understand herpes, how it's contracted, or that YOU ALWAYS CARRY IT once you contract it. You said that she is from Russia, and who knows how much information is given freely there about STD' the US, where we hear about AIDS and HIV every day, even WE don't know much about herpes, and people who get it are often likened to lepers because there is a complete lack of information about it. In another country, they may not give out a lot of information. And if it was her husband that had it, he may have been the only one who actually got tested and was diagnosed and given info. Once her outbreak was over, she may have just thought it was completely gone.

I sympathize with you completely, and can understand where your feeling of betrayal and lack of trust have come from. But if this is your only issue in this marriage, maybe if you open communication about the fact that you now have herpes, and that SHE STILL DOES, you might be able to work through this. If has added insult to injury with other problems in your marriage and your relationship is completely not worth salvaging, I am truly sorry for your loss.

Good luck.

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