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Please forgive me for such a long msg..... I feel the need, and I desire your input!

Please forgive me for such a long msg..... I feel the need, and I desire your input!

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Posted by KC on July 21, 2000 at 11:37:38:

Please bear with me, as I want to start from the beginning up until now about all the pain and suffering I have endured in my life
and still do.
I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father. He was directly abusive to my mother, physically, mentally, verbally, emotionally, which
indirectly abused us kids. There were police at our house every week. I don't remember him ever hitting us kids, but he might as well of.
I remember always trying to protect my mom from his abuse, although when I was young it was hard, and it still didn't help when I got older, and
would try to knock the crap out of him myself when he would hurt my mom. I only remember a couple of good times with my family, cuz that's
about all there were. I cannot remember the bulk of my childhood. I do not remember if my mom ever did anything with me at all, like played with me
or things like that. The only thing I remember that she did for us, was get us into bible school, sunday school, tennis/swimming lessons, etc. That's all I remember.
I have asked her in the last few months to write me a letter and tell me if she ever took the time to play with me/spend time with me. She said I had asked her that
a long time ago, and she did respond, but I have forgotten what she said. And she hasn't written me a letter yet. The reason I forgot what she said the first time,
is that my memory is not that good anymore. I will explain why later. I would always pray to God that he would make my Dad stop drinking.
But it never happened. Until years later anyway. I always said that I would not drink like my Dad did. Yeah right! During my teen years, I lost my virginity, started drinking,
using drugs. I was searching for the love and attention I didn't receive at home. In 1984, I had been partying for about 4 days straight, no sleep at all, nothing to eat, during that
whole time, and then came home, and my mind snapped. I had a psychotic/manic episode, and was hospitalized for about a month. I was diagnosed manic/depressive.
In 1986 I had another severe manic episode, although I don't believe I was drinking or using at that time. Hospitalized again. I also got pregnant in 1986, and had an abortion (not that I believe in abortion),
but that's another story in itself. I've been in the hospital numerous times since. Mainly for depression, no other severe manic episodes since 1986, thank God. In 1992, I got pregnant again. The father and I
were not in love, just fooling around. He did not want me to keep my child. I definitely was going to have her! And I did. I stopped drinking when I was pregnant, and didn't drink much after I had her.
When I was 5 mo pg with her, I met another man, and have been with him since and married him when my daughter was almost 2. I have since had a child with him 3 yrs ago. Right after our son was born, we knew we
needed to get out of our apt. and into a house. My husband was forced to work 2 jobs working over 14 hrs a day for a year. I was home all alone with 2 kids, 4 yo and new born. I had no help at all. I had no friends. I would stay
in the house all day, exhausted, and depressed. I became a recluse. I have since been diagnosed with OCD. I am obsessed with having a clean house. And you can imagine what a nightmare this is, with 2 young kids!
When I had my daughter I was always into her, and dressing her up, playing with her, taking her outside to play, taking her to her playgroup, etc. Since I had my son, I am complete opposite. I do not want to go outside, I probably get out now, once a week.
I am not interested in doing things with the kids. I play with them very seldom. I Love them dearly, and I tell them that, I hug them, I sing my son songs and read to him when he goes to bed. I read to my daughter sometimes too. But I don't do things with them much.
And I know they resent me for it. It is not that I don't want to, I just don't have the energy anymore. Don't care about life much. Don't care about myself. I truly believe I have post partum depression also, that has lasted 3 years. I do not take care of myself anymore, have gained weight
when I used to be skinny all my life, til about 2 1/2 yrs ago, I am not overweight now, but very flabby. When I wake up, I dread the day. I am supposed to be taking paxil and neurontin, but I don't take it much at all. I used to be on it, and it didn't do anything for me.
I have no friends. I never really had many friends at all. I try to make friends but it is very hard. My son is almost 3 1/2 and has never played with another boy. I feel very guilty about that. I desperately want to feel the zest for my children, and care about what they want, and to be a good mother.
I can't feel it no matter how much I want to. Well I have rambled long enough. If there is anyone out there, who has had similar feelings as I, or just wants to give my some (caring), not judgemental, unfriendly advice, I would appreciate it.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. Have a good day, and weekend
Oh P.S. The reason my memory is not very good anymore is due to having shock treatments for depression~

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