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is there a name for this...

is there a name for this...

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Posted by Kathrin Kopp on July 25, 2000 at 10:37:00:

I have a question. I wonder if anyone can relate. Yes, I have problems, I guess I have some sort of compulsive and anxiety problem, and have been in therapy for it. But there are some other things in my life that I have been wondering about. I wonder if there is a name for this...

I get these fantasies a lot. I make a huge thing out of little things, and think everybody must see how happy-lucky-gifted or something else I am, and I imagine that people see me and read in my face (wow it makes me feel ashamed to write this) Examples: 1992, age ca.17, looking forward to an Open Air concert for half a year, romanticizing every bit of it, thinking it is the wildest-best-most poetic time, writing a lot of poetry, being afraid of things too, but wanting everybody to see how happy I am, because I can have that experience (just a normal open air concert, but I made so much of it...)
Then wanting to be a guitar heroine, imagining I am on stage and my parents see me (in reality I am just in my room, pretending, with the music on)
Another example was a movie that I wanted everybody to see (1998), or wanting to be a judo champion, and always imagining how my parents see me...
After a while, usually, I make so much of it it gets ridiculous, even for me, and I start being afraid I might "lose the dream", and first it hurts, but then I just feel empty. Like after the open air thing, that time was so "full"... the next year, age 18/19, I became anorexic. I think I needed something new to hold on to. I could pick myself up again though. But then I felt really depressed for quite a while, thinking I will never feel so great again... but then the next dream:
1995: Idea: I will go to America (am from Switzerland). And I do!!! And since then I have been in love with San Francisco. Now I study there. But again the fantasy: Everybody must see how happy I am when I can go there, how sad I am when I have to come back. I play the guitar at the train station to make money. I stand on a slope and think everybody else must associate the steep slope with San Francisco too, and it gives me that weird kind of high to feel that... No things haven't been perfect ever since, there has been a lot of fear, compulsions etc. Fear also that I might lose the high feeling, the kick out of studying over there, again. Need a new dream, 1998: I will help homeless people. That's part of why I got that scholarship. But what if it is just another of those fantasies, and those people who pay for my studies put so much trust in me?

Ok now the questions: Is there a name for that kind of fantasy? Why do I want to be somebody special so much, why do I need it? Sometimes it seems I always need something like that to hold on to. After a dream fades, I fall into a hole of depression. Could it be that I am bipolar??? Or maybe I am narcissistic?

I should know, I study psychology now (first:English, but then I needed to start something new). If I remember the first two times in San Francsco, no that was not only wanting to show off, it was really oh so magical and great, after that long dark time... the colors so beautiful, me and the dog up there on the hill... and the next time, 96, living by myself in dirty little hotel rooms, feeling so grown-up...
Normal? Is all thsi normal? Maybe I need all this, because it gives me the background to write my poetry and songs... but sometimes I feel like... well... sometimes I feel like, can this be the purpose of life, to get high on acknowledgement and wearing certain clothes to give others a message about ones feelings? (I do see other purposes though. I believe in God, I feel there is a purpose for maybe everything, and also, I really want to do something to help people, the homeless, the Third World, it all makes me so sad... but then, when I start helping somebody, it easily gets compulsive, and I can't detach...)
Ok. Please anybody, if you have a tip, a name, a label for me, feel free to email me, even to tell me, yes you ARE crazy, maybe it would make me feel better to know there is a reason why I "am" this way... please email me because I am not sure if I will find this discussion forum again... my email address is:
[email protected]
Thanks for the time to read this LONG post....

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