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"Losing it" sometimes... why am I so impatient?

"Losing it" sometimes... why am I so impatient?

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Posted by Kathrin on November 01, 2000 at 02:11:21:

Hello... I have a problem and I would like to know if anyone can relate or can give any advice or insight.

It may be because i tend to take up too much and get stressed out and that's all it is, but I am SOO unable to control my emotions sometimes... one time some weeks ago I was already stressed out and then somebody asked me anopther favor and I just started yelling in the stret, and then letting out a loud shriek.
When I am under stress or in a hurry, i get into such a state of... like I am under current. Like something inside me can't go fast enough. In such a state, if I have to wait in line, it is terrible. Two days ago it happened. I had a lot of things to do and it was gtting late and thre was a long line. I just said "I am in such a hurry" to somebody hoping they would let me go first. I said "where's the shortest lne" and went there and then just stood there literally shaking not knowing how to control myself, tears running down my face.
Today I was in a metro train and there was a delay, so we went very slowly, and stood still in the tunnel. Again I had something to do that I wanted to get behind me (checking on somebody I was worried about) and then i had to go home and then leave again, so rush rush again, and the train stopped... I just thought, what if i go crazy in here? What would they do? Would they restrain me, like that guy on the airplane (don't worry i can not imagine I would EVER do anything violent)... everthing was just boiling in me and I didn't know how to let it all out. What I did is I banged my head against the wall, it hurt! I sort of WANTED to people to se me do that.

Am I just strssed out? Why can't I control myself? I feel guilty a lot too. See, this isn't rally like me. I try to be gentle. My mission is love everybody, spread love! I help a lot of people, like homeless people. Sometimes it gets too much. From time to time I get hit by the opposite, I feel so paralyzed i can hardly moved, I get really lethargic and depressed and jsut drag along.

I want to be more patient... what is that state I get in, that all stressed out state, where I am like under current and i get mad at anybody who walks slowly in front of me...
Oh I am 25 female, believe it or not a psychology studnt, and when I am not like that as I said I am very nice to people and try to understand everybody.

Is it just because I tend to take up too much and get overwhelmed? Or do I have a problem with my emotions, like maybe bipolar ar something like that?
Sometimes I feel really great too, when i can use the energy in a positive way, but then I feel it is mostly just playing games, like I get high on thinking I might be a little "crazy" and act out and want people to see me.

Any insight appreciated. I do see a therapist on campus, but he mostly just lets me talk and talk...
oh yes and once the health center guys sent me to a psych doc, also on campus, and actually had me evaluated for bipoalr and also OCD I think, but he said yes a little but of highs, lows, obsessions, but nothing too extreme... something like that.


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