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Unplanned pregnancy causing tension at home- others been in the same situation?

Unplanned pregnancy causing tension at home- others been in the same situation?

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Posted by Pam on December 06, 2000 at 13:09:03:

I'm writing this partly in response to some messages I saw from Michelle and Bryony back in October.
Maybe if I share my story, it will help someone. Maybe if someone reads this, they can help me.
My husband and I have been together for 10 years. We have a strong, happy marriage. We are
currently going through a rough time, as he was laid off in June. We both have Ph.D.'s. My career has
flourished while his has struggled. Why- I don't know. Quite honestly, I don't understand it. He doesn't
deserve the hell he has been through this year. As for children, we had discussed it and decided to put
the decision off until he was back on his feet. Surprise, surprise, I wound up pregnant. I am 13 weeks
along. Neither one of us wanted the baby right now, but the difference is I wanted one eventually and he now
says he never wanted to have children. Abortion, we decided, was not an option. I told him I just couldn't
do that, and he said he would never ask me to do that. However, to be truthful, he was hoping for a
miscarriage. Against all odds (we were both told by Drs that we would have trouble conceiving and that I
would have trouble carrying the baby if I even got pregnant), I have survived the first trimester. The baby is
healthy and it looks like he/she is definitely coming. Husband is continuing to decline into depression.
I have given him a lot of space. He has a lot of emotions right now- feeling like a failure as a provider,
seeing his career go down the tubes, worrying about being able to support a family, terrified at being a
father, terrified that our relationship will be damaged forever, etc. I have been very patient, letting him come
to terms on his own timescale. It has been hard for me. I need him too. I was surprised by this news, too.
But I remember the advice my mother-in-law told me on my wedding day. Just when you think you can't
give another inch, that's whe you need to give it the most. Last night, I tried to talk about his fears. He
was very closed off from me, tried to joke his feelings away. I asked him if he would leave me over this.
He finally told me that he is not going anywhere yet, but he quite honestly doesn't know how much more
he can take. Instead of crying and screaming at him, reminding him of our vows of "for better or worse", I
held his face in my hands and told him "Don't you know how much I love you? You mean everything to me.
There's nothing I can do to make you feel better, but know that I will always be here for you." He cried and
hugged me. Perhaps this is a breakthrough for us. I don't know- it's too soon to tell. But I just thought
I'd share this with you. Granted, there are situations (violent ones) where love and understanding aren't
enough. However, for most of us, I think that patience, unconditional love, and support can heal all wounds.

Good luck to you, Michelle and Bryony, if you are still on this board. I hope my advice can help someone.
Conversely, if someone that has gone through this can give me advice, I would greatly appreciate it.


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