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My precious baby

My precious baby

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Posted by Tammy on October 26, 1999 at 09:53:06:

I don't know if I would qualify that my baby was SID, but do not know where else to post. I had a beautiful little girl named Kali' born July 21, 1995. She passed away on Aug 2, 1995. The pain is still so deep in my heart.

One evening on Aug 2, my husband had come home from work to releave me so I could get some sleep. I went to sleep and later that evening I heard a voice sceaming my name. I jumped out of bed to ran down the hall to see my husband holding my baby. He was yelling I killed our baby. He had dailed 911 on the phone and I grabbed Kali' and tried to do CPR on her. The calmness that came over me during that moment I cannot explain. I knew I had a job to do and there was know time to lose it. The ambulance and police came to work on Kali'. They made my family and I go outside. The police followed us and would not let us leave there sight.My husband was losing it. He kept screaming I KILLED OUR BABY. I cannot get that out of my head. My husband had fell asleep with Kali'in his arms and he rolled over on her. I have been the strong one through this, because if I break up and I know the guilt that lays on him.But it is so hard. I have to be strong for my husband and my 2 other children. But sometimes I think, when am I ever going to be able to deal with this. My heart cries for Kali'. I still live with the brick wall around me to protect me from the pain all the time.

When people came to visit and pay there condolences, I was sort of put to the side. Like my pain was less than my husbands. I never to this day understood this. They would say, I know you are having a hard time but Drew really needs to get into counceling. They set up a appointment for him and was going to take him and leave me home. That angried me. I carried Kali' in my stomach for 9 months and bonded with her.

I have heard this is a silent issue that has to be dealt with. So many parents lay with there children when they are falling asleep. I have learned the hard way that you cannot do that.

Thank You for letting me talk.

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